In my work as a psychosexual therapist, I often ask clients a simple question:
“What do you enjoy sexually?”
A surprising number of people respond with:
“I’m quite vanilla…”
And they say it in a way that feels apologetic, as though they’re admitting to something lacking, or not enough.
But here’s the reality:
There is nothing wrong with being “vanilla.”
What does “vanilla” actually mean?
The term “vanilla” is often used to describe more traditional or non-kink sexual preferences.
But over time, it has taken on a negative tone, suggesting that something is boring, basic, or less desirable.
This has been influenced by:
- Social media
- Pornography
- Cultural narratives about what sex should look like
And it can leave people feeling like they need to be more adventurous than they genuinely want to be.
The pressure to be “more”
In sex therapy, I regularly see clients who feel pressure to:
- Try things they’re unsure about
- Be more “exciting” or experimental
- Meet perceived expectations of a partner
Sometimes this pressure is subtle.
Sometimes it’s internal.
And sometimes, it leads to people engaging in sexual experiences they don’t actually feel comfortable with.
When it crosses into coercion
One of the more concerning patterns I see in psychosexual therapy is when people feel:
- They should say yes
- They ought to want something
- They’d be judged if they didn’t
Even when something doesn’t feel right for them.
This can lead to a form of coercion, even if it’s not always recognised as such.
When someone feels unable to say no, or feels embarrassed about their preferences, it can disconnect them from their own boundaries.
How this impacts sexual function
Feeling pressure, discomfort, or misalignment in sexual experiences can have a direct impact on the body.
In psychosexual therapy, this can show up as:
- Erectile difficulties
- Loss of desire (low libido)
- Difficulty reaching orgasm
- Pain during sex
- Feeling disconnected during intimacy
The body responds to safety, not pressure.
If something doesn’t feel right psychologically, the body often reflects that.
There is no “right way” to be sexual
Healthy sexuality isn’t about being more adventurous, more experimental, or more “interesting.”
It’s about:
- Feeling safe
- Feeling comfortable
- Feeling connected to yourself and your partner
What matters is whether something feels right for you – not how it compares to anyone else.
What psychosexual therapy offers
In psychosexual therapy, we create a space where you can:
- Talk openly, without judgement
- Explore what you genuinely enjoy
- Reconnect with your boundaries
- Reduce pressure and expectation
- Build confidence in your sexual self
This isn’t about changing who you are.
It’s about understanding yourself more fully.
Final thoughts
If you’ve ever described yourself as “vanilla” with a sense of embarrassment, you’re not alone.
But it’s worth asking:
Where did that belief come from?
Because your preferences don’t need to be justified, expanded, or upgraded.
They just need to be yours.
