You can’t stop thinking about them.
You replay conversations.
Check your phone.
Feel a rush when they respond… and a drop when they don’t.
Many people describe this as a “crush” or “chemistry.”
But in therapy, we often see something more powerful – and more disruptive.
This is called limerence.
What is limerence?
Limerence is a psychological state of intense, obsessive romantic infatuation. It goes beyond normal attraction or desire and is driven by intrusive thoughts, emotional dependency, and a strong need for reciprocation.
The term was first introduced by psychologist Dorothy Tennov, describing a state where a person becomes fixated on a “limerent object” – someone they perceive as uniquely significant, often idealised and emotionally charged.
Common features include:
- Persistent, intrusive thoughts about the person
- Heightened sensitivity to their behaviour or responses
- Emotional highs (euphoria) when attention is received
- Emotional lows (anxiety or despair) when it isn’t
- Idealisation and minimisation of flaws
- Fantasising as a form of emotional relief
As described in your source material, this can feel like a form of “person addiction”, where the individual becomes the source of emotional regulation .
Why limerence feels so intense
Limerence isn’t just emotional – it’s neurobiological.
It activates the brain’s dopamine reward system, the same system involved in addiction. When the person you’re fixated on gives you attention, your brain releases dopamine, creating a powerful sense of reward.
But here’s the critical piece:
It’s not consistency that fuels limerence – it’s uncertainty.
When attention is intermittent (sometimes warm, sometimes distant), it creates a reinforcement loop similar to gambling. This unpredictability makes the attachment stronger and harder to break .
This is why many people say:
“I know this isn’t good for me, but I can’t stop.”
The 3 key triggers of limerence
In clinical work, limerence often follows a recognisable pattern:
- The “Glimmer”
An immediate sense that someone is “special” – often difficult to explain, but emotionally potent.
- Perceived Reciprocation
A sense (real or imagined) that the other person is interested, which amplifies emotional investment.
- Uncertainty or Obstacle
Mixed signals, emotional unavailability, or existing relationships create tension – and that tension intensifies the obsession.
This combination creates a powerful psychological loop of hope, doubt, and emotional dependency.
Limerence and love & sex addiction
Limerence is highly relevant in love addiction and sex addiction patterns.
It can present as:
- Obsessive attachment to unavailable partners
- Repeated cycles of intense infatuation followed by emotional crash
- Escalation into emotional or physical affairs
- Difficulty sustaining stable, secure relationships
For some individuals, limerence becomes a way of regulating internal states – soothing loneliness, anxiety, low self-worth, or disconnection.
In this sense, it functions similarly to other compulsive behaviours.
Limerence in relationships and emotional affairs
One of the most common and complex presentations of limerence is within committed relationships.
You may be married or partnered – yet find yourself obsessing over someone else.
This often starts subtly:
- Increased focus on someone outside the relationship
- Emotional reliance on their attention
- Secrecy (deleting messages, hiding interactions)
- Comparison between them and your partner
At this stage, many people say:
“It hasn’t crossed a line.”
But psychologically, the shift has already happened.
Limerence can become the foundation of an emotional affair, where intimacy, attention, and energy are redirected outside the primary relationship.
Over time, this can destabilise trust, erode connection, and increase the risk of further boundary crossings.
“It feels real” – but it’s not what you think
One of the most important therapeutic insights is this:
Limerence feels like it’s about the other person – but it isn’t.
It is generated internally.
Your attachment style.
Your past experiences.
Your unmet emotional needs.
Your neurochemistry.
As outlined in your material, the intensity comes from within – not from a “cosmic connection” .
This doesn’t mean the feelings aren’t real.
It means they are meaningful — but not necessarily accurate.
Can limerence be managed?
Yes – but it requires more than insight or willpower.
Effective approaches often include:
Behavioural Boundaries
Reducing or eliminating contact (including social media) to break the reinforcement cycle.
Interrupting Rumination
Becoming aware of fantasy and redirecting attention away from obsessive thinking.
Understanding Attachment Patterns
Exploring why certain people trigger intense responses.
Accountability and Honesty
Acknowledging the reality of the situation – especially in the context of a relationship.
Therapy
Working with a trained professional to address underlying drivers and patterns.
As your source highlights, you cannot control your feelings – but you can control your behaviour .
When to seek support
It may be time to seek psychosexual or relationship therapy if:
- You feel unable to stop thinking about someone
- Your behaviour is becoming secretive or compulsive
- Your primary relationship is being affected
- You notice repeated patterns with unavailable partners
- You feel emotionally dependent on someone outside your relationship
Limerence is not a personal failure.
But left unaddressed, it can have significant relational consequences.
Final thoughts
Limerence can feel exhilarating, consuming, and deeply meaningful.
But it is not the same as love.
Left unchecked, it can lead to emotional disconnection, secrecy, and relational harm.
Understood and addressed, it can become an opportunity for deep self-awareness and change.
If you recognise yourself in this, you are not alone.
As a psychosexual and relationship therapist, I work with individuals and couples navigating obsessive infatuation, emotional affairs, and love or sex addiction patterns.
You don’t need to suppress it.
But you do need to understand it – and take control of what happens next.
